Seniors living in fear of those closest to them

Sixty-four-year-old Kirsty* has experienced violent threats from her son, who moved into her home and never left.

“I slept a number of nights in my car instead of going home. I was too frightened,” she says.

After a year, Kirsty left, and her son and his wife live there free of charge.

Kirsty’s son threatened her life if she didn’t sign the property over to him.

“One day, he walked up behind my car with a jerry can in his hand. I was watching him in the rear-view mirror,” she says.

Her son placed the jerry can on the ground, smirked and lit a cigarette.

“He saw me in the mirror and had the most evil smile on his face. I know what he wanted me to think.”

The National Ageing Research Institute states that 14.8 per cent of Australians are experiencing elder abuse.

It’s a number that beggars belief.

The abuse could be physical, financial, psychological, sexual or emotional abuse and also covers neglect.

The abuse usually occurs behind closed doors, in the family home, and it’s often perpetrated by family members or someone close such as a friend or carer.

Dr Rachel Carson, executive manager, family law and family violence elder abuse team at the Australian Institute of Family Studies, says men are more likely to experience physical abuse; with women, it’s neglect or sexual abuse.

“The highest prevalence of abuse is in the 65-69 age group, with most cases of neglect in the 80+ age bracket,” she says.

Tragically, elder abuse has reached tsunami proportions, leaving in its wake a sea of elderly Aussies drowning in fear and despair.

Of the 7000 elderly participants in the National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study, 2 per cent of participants had been the victim of physical abuse.

About 47 per cent were grabbed, pushed or shoved, and 22 per cent were kicked, hit or punched.

The common prelude for many types of abuse seems to be financial, and those who refuse to give in sometimes pay a hefty price.

Dianne*, 75, is an alienated grandparent. She’s never met her grandkids because she wouldn’t cough up the cash for a new dishwasher for her daughter-in-law.

“We have cycled in and out of estrangement for around eight years, mostly due to money: she wants it and I won’t give it to her,” Dianne says.

“I’m certain that if I gave it to her,  all would be forgiven, but where would  it end? I refuse to be manipulated and withholding me from meeting my grandkids is my punishment for me  not complying.”

So why is elder abuse becoming  so commonplace?

National Ageing Research Institute Senior Research Fellow Dr Marina Cavuoto says ageism has a huge part  to play.

“It’s not a form of elderly abuse, but it can be a driver of it,” she says.

Some argue that the next generation is keen to get their hands on their inheritance. It’s called the inheritance impatience phenomenon.

Others are begrudgingly taking on the role of carer for their parents.

The biggest cohort of abusers, making up 18 per cent, are sons and daughters, followed by daughters-in-law and sons-in-law at 7 per cent, with friends, neighbours, spouses, siblings and service providers making up the rest.

Older generations wiped our noses, kissed our bloody knees, nursed our broken hearts at lost first loves, and laughed with delight when we took those initial wobbly steps.

Taking care of them, when they need us most, is a privilege. But not everyone sees it that way.

A fair chunk of perpetrators is also fighting their own demons.

Some are struggling with  financial worries, drug and alcohol dependency, or mental health issues.

In some cases, abusers gaslight  the elderly.

Take 90-year-old Peter’s* son Andrew, for example. He was in financial difficulty and wanted to ensure he received his inheritance.

He began a deliberate campaign to convince his father he was ‘losing his marbles’. Andrew insisted on taking Peter to medical appointments where he convinced his father’s GP that Peter had dementia. He doesn’t, but Peter was put on medication.

Peter fought tooth and nail to have his son removed as guardian and administrator. He eventually won.

The real numbers of victims are skewed. It’s grossly under-reported.

Sometimes the elderly are unaware that it is abuse or feel they’re the cause.

Many seniors feel shame or fear retaliation if they do seek help, as  they live under the same roof as  the perpetrator.

Nancy* is 91. She’s frail and in  poor health.

Two years ago, Nancy’s son moved in with her, along with his partner and two adult children.

Neighbours reported to police that Nancy was being subjected to verbal, financial, emotional and physical abuse by her son and grandchildren.

Police were unable to lay charges as Nancy refused to provide statements to the police.

Dr Helen Wallace, from Caxton Community Legal Centre, says if  someone you know is a victim, listen without judgment.

“Don’t tell them what they should have done to prevent a problem,” she says.

Older people have a right to feel safe within their own home, to know their financial status, and their medications.

Dr Wallace says they should be able to have private conversations with their GP, without an overly helpful relative.

“They also have the right to live peacefully, to see friends and join clubs without someone else controlling who they contact,” she says.

“I’ve seen contacts removed from an elderly person’s phone. It’s a way to control them.”

In an age where texting and Facebook messages can replace a cheery hello over the back fence, it’s important to build a sense of connectivity and community.

Dr Wallace says getting to know your neighbours is a way to start.

“In your street, be that friendly neighbour who reaches out to the elderly, and if you think something is wrong, let them know help is available,” she says.

* Names changed or only first names given to protect their identity.

REACH OUT  for help

If you are an older person who is experiencing abuse, or are concerned about a friend, neighbour or relative you think might be the victim of abuse, help  is available.

If in immediate danger, call 000.

For further information and for independent advice, contact:

• Elder Abuse Queensland on 1300 651 192
• Lifeline on 13 11 14
• National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).